My Story: Skinny does not mean healthy

The Struggle

I remember the first time I felt out of place- not comfortable in my own skin. It took place in a physical check-up at the doctor's, when they weighed me and took my height. The doctor scanned over the results of my physical and told me about her concerns with my weight. She told me that I was very underweight and that my results were much below the average. I was twelve years old. I sat in the chair of the room, overhearing the discussions between my mom and the doctor about what foods I should eat more of in order to gain weight. That day, on the car ride home, I stared at my stick-thin thighs and- for the first time- hated them.

I changed my diet; I brought a container of peanut butter and a spoon for snacks. I considered myself a good eater but nothing seemed to have changed. I was frustrated, angry at myself for not having a healthy and heavier body, and the fact that shoving my face with straight up peanut butter did not seem to work.

One of the most discouraging and frustrating experiences were during my time in middle school. During this time, my sense of fashion and identity was slowly building up; Bobby-Jack shirts and neon striped leggings did not seem so "cool" anymore. Shopping at places like Marshalls or TJ max in my early teen/ tween days was almost always a fail especially because of its awkward and rough transition from the "girl's" section to the "women's". Thanks to my rectangular and skinny frame, most of the teen's clothing at department stores often fit in the most awkward and unflattering ways. I recall the many times where I found beautiful articles of clothing, but could not wear (despite my best efforts in trying to make it work) because I did not have the curves to even fit into it. Besides this, I was most discouraged when other people would make comments on how skinny I was and how I don't eat enough. There were many of times where I wanted to just tell them that I was trying, but in the end I decided that it was up to me to choose how to react and ignore them.

The Growth

I think that the real changes happened in the 8th and 9th grade. Around 8th grade, I took an interest in competitive swim since many of my friends did it. It was also a time when I realized how unfit and weak my body was and a time where I pushed so limits mentally and physically. A lot of that hard work in improving and building muscle seemed to have paid off. Being able to swim with friends at a Tahoe trip or finish a set in swim practice made me feel special kind of confidence and pride in my body. Around this time, I embraced my body and felt proud of the work I had put in to it; and even now I strive for improvement and health.

the biology behind this:

The growth that my body underwent was muscle hypertrophy (growth). Even though I ate well, I never exercised as young kid until I joined swim. Pushing the limits and putting the work in swim caused my body to repair the damaged muscle fibers by adding more myosin (filaments) to the muscle fibers. Through this process, muscle protein synthesis, the fusion causes each muscle cell to become bigger and stronger over time. In other words, by adding stress/ tension/ or damage to the muscles (usually from exercise), the muscles will go through a repairing process that would lead to them becoming stronger and bigger than before.

Most of the time, I never really voiced out my own insecurities and struggles with being so skinny because I didn't want to come off as ungrateful and trivial. But in order to really promote body-positivity, it means including all body types.